Dusting off my keyboard, and walking shoes Part 4

At this point I can't say if I will lose a much, if any, weight this way. I mean some people bust their butts, eat really well every day and still struggle to lose anything. I honestly don't even know what I weigh right now. As mentioned before, our scale isn't working, and unlike Dad, I don't have a job with a doctor's office in the building where I can go weight in any time I like. I have looked at and am considering buying a new scale, but in some ways, I don't want to know what it has to say.

I figure either 1, it's going to tell me I weigh more than I thought I did, thus frustrating me because not only will I have not lost anything in the past month that I know of, but it will feel like I gained, even if that isn't completely true. Option 2, it's going to tell me I'm at or below what I thought I was, at which point I will have no idea if that's just because I've not gained or lost, or because I was heavier and have since lost the weight, but will never know as I didn't have a true starting weight to begin with. Honestly, neither will help me sleep more at night, and I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing right now, whether I'm losing or not, so I think I may hold off on the whole weighing thing, at least for a little while. At the end of the day, I'm not really doing this for a number, I'm doing this to feel better, which I already am starting to, and be healthier. Knowing my actual weight isn't going to change any of the other factors of what I'm doing to meet those goals, and I have gotten kind of scale obsessed in the past, so why upset the apple cart.

 

So where does all this leave me. I'm not going to have weight updates and while it's kind of hard to quantify "how I feel" physically in an ongoing manner, my steps will hopefully continue to climb, showing how I'm gaining endurance. But mostly I'm interested right now in the emotional side of this. Sure the changes I'm making are primarily physical, but if I've learned anything over the years, it's that I will not get healthier physically if my emotional state isn't more in tact. There are lots are areas there that need to improve. I have my good days and bad, and the bad ones are still going to lead me to, not so much "turn to food" as just not care enough to weigh that serving of grapes, or even take the time to pluck and wash the grapes as opposed to grabbing a bag of chips instead. When I used to "diet" I allowed treats here and there, but it always felt like something I was struggling through that I would eventually lose motivation for and quit (which I did). For right now at least, I don't feel like I'm actually doing anything too substantial, and thus, how can I quit. The hardest part has been the walking, and I can't say I'm not going to have a day where I just don't feel like doing it anymore (today was getting there), but for now I'm excited to see all those orange bars on the app, I'm proud of the sweat after a good 2 or 3k step walk. I just spent a couple of nights in a hotel, walking up and down the halls and around the room just so I didn't break my streak. I am still driven by that red bar, and while it annoys me at times, it still motivates me to get moving once every couple of hours. I am happy with how things are right now, and glad I'm doing it, rather then dreading it and looking forward to the day I can quit. I know in my head that the only way I'm ever going to get more fit is if I am willing to do this forever, and at least for now, I don't feel like I'm struggling enough to want to give up. Maybe that will change, maybe I'll go buy a scale, see I'm up to 350 pounds and want to sit in a pool of ice cream or more likely in front of a massive juicy cheeseburger and just say to heck with it, but thinking like that is only setting myself up for failure. For now I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and who knows, maybe my shirts will start getting loose on me too.

 

Now you may have noticed that at the beginning of this lovely blue wall of text, in part 1, I said something had been weighing on my mind. And yes, it did have something to do with all this, but it was a separate topic of conversation entirely. However, I haven't really spoken with many people about some of this, and I felt the need to get it out there, and create a little backstory if you will, not to mention it's been 5 years since I wrote anything, so to just have me going straight into a rant followed by a little introspection felt a bit out of the blue to say the least. Also if you haven't already noticed, I'm a touch ADD and get distracted very easily. Anyway, having written so much, and as a result deciding to break this up, I decided to save my little tangent for now. 

 

 

Thanks to anyone that's actually made it through this, even if it was just reading material to help you sleep, trust me, I'm used to putting people to sleep *looks at Dad*. I know I don't often make it through a long blog, so as I said, I think I'll be breaking this up, posting a section each day, and trying to make this blog a daily thing for a while at least. I look forward to getting my thoughts out, and opening up with friends, whether they be new or old. Check back soon for my next series (yep, I’m going ahead and guessing it’ll be a series too, I'm wordy, get used to it) “Questions about relating to each other”... ok, it's a working title, we’ll see if I come up with something better between now and then. Till then, love to you all, take care, and God bless

Dusting off my keyboard, and walking shoes Part 3

To get started, I decided I was going to see what a normal day was like for myself. After all, you can't improve if you don't know where you're starting from. I was going to walk normally, eat what I wanted, and try to at least track my food on MFP. I wasn't making any real changes as of yet, just getting a feel for where I was. I already knew that I probably ate on average 3000 calories or so a day. Like I said, I had some previous experience with MFP, so I knew what a "normal" day looked like. My steps however were a mystery to me. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere near the 10,000 recommended, but had no idea I was more in the 2000 range. The good thing about the Vivofit is it sees where you are, and then eases you up slowly. I was so jazzed the first time I hit my goal, even though it was only about 3000 steps.The next day, when I only needed a couple hundred more, I was like "cool, I've got this, easy". 

Now I'll admit, in the following week or two, there were many days I still missed the goal, and one strange anomaly where I more then doubled it, but in time, I actually started making hitting that goal a priority, and I'm happy to say that if I keep it up, as of the 10th, I will have met or exceeded my steps goal for a full month, and expect to have gone from getting 2000 steps a day to nearly 8000. I still see 10,000 and think "never going to happen" but in fairness, I would have said that about 6000 when I started, and now that's a no brainer. 

In addition to the steps, I did want to do something about my diet, not the "here's a list of all the things you can't have" kind of diet, just the scientific "what is this homosapien's diet like". I mean, all living creatures have a diet, but we humans like to turn diet into a verb rather then a noun, welp, not this human. 

I still wanted to make veggies more of a priority, and start trying to get at least some handle on the calories, even though I wasn't ready for a full on commitment. MyFitnessPal recommends 1640 calories a day for me, not as bad as it could be, but man, when you can wipe out 1000 in one meal without even going that overboard, it takes a lot of careful thought to keep it under.

 So in keeping with the small steps mentality, I decided I was going to try to go with an every other day pattern to prevent getting overwhelmed by the sudden change. I would have "healthy days" (As implied before, I hate the word diet... in fact, just forget that I used it before, k?) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and give myself permission to be "normal" on Tuesday, Wednesday, and the weekend.

Welp, that lasted all of about 2 days. 

My new system was quickly trashed when our refrigerator died. I don't know about you, but when I'm trying to start something new, the stress planets must be aligned just right, or else. The freezer had been iced up for a month or more, and then our drawer styled door got stuck, not due to the ice, but something getting warped, which caused us to only be able to open it about 6 inches, and while we knew we were living on borrowed time, there was still no preparing for the whole thing to suddenly stop running giving us a mere 4 hours to get the contents of the fridge transferred... well, 4 hours if you don't open it, less once you have, but moving on... 

So in a rapid coordinated attack, Mom, Dad, and I prepared and moved the entire contents of our fridge to the outdoor refrigerator, you know, the one that's been running for 20+ years, no problem. Thanks modern advances in appliance technology. We left the freezer closed for the time, as there was no way we were going to fit all of that in the already full outdoor freezer, and with all the ice in there, I figured we had more than the recommend 24 hours to play with. So with that, my family and I went to bed, trying not to think about the day ahead of us and what we were going to do about getting it repaired/replaced asap.

The next morning... the refrigerator was running again.  Our theory is that the fan was icing up and after being off for a while, thawed out, and so on... I say it like that because this continued to be the pattern for another week or two. The fridge would come on, we'd slowly gain trust in it, move food back inside as we needed things, and it would die again, so we'd rush everything back outside once more. Needless to say, we were not bringing home many groceries and were doing our best to use things up in order to reduce the number of items being carted back and forth. 

This was not very conducive to eating "healthy" and as such, I found myself happy if I got 1 "healthy day" a week. I actually think this was the best thing that could have happened to me. If I had tried to start with my 3 or 4 days a week approach, I may have well decided to give up by now. It may not seem it, but even a 50% solution, when you've basically been doing nothing, feels like an overwhelming shift. I needed small bites to move forward, and that's what this did for me. For a few weeks it was 1 HD per week(getting tired of all the healthy days in quotes, I'm sure you can follow) then 2, and for now I'm saying that I'm up to 3 a week, though I've actually hit 4 a couple of times, and unless things change, this week may be a 2 (Update: I pushed through and am getting my 3rd HD this week today! Woo!), but no one said there wouldn't be some setbacks in my not so plan of a plan. The important thing is I'm doing it, I'm not thinking about throwing in the towel because everyday is a new day. I don't wake up thinking "I can't go on like this, I want a doughnut" I just think, hey, I want a doughnut so I'll have one, and if I don't stay under my calorie goal today, I'll just try again tomorrow. No guilt for a cheat meal or day, because that doesn't exist, it's just a full effort day, vs a normal day. Sometimes a normal day becomes a healthy day on it's own, and sometimes a healthy day gets derailed by a big juicy cheeseburger which is ok too. For now, that's good enough, and good enough is great. It's what I need to keep going, and I can promise I'm eating a lot better now overall then I was 2 months ago, so for me, that's a win.

Conclusion Tomorrow!

Dusting off my Keyboard, and walking shoes Part 2

 

 

It wasn't until realizing just how much progress my Dad has made, and watching him work hard to hang on to healthier habits over the last year or two that I too decided to give some additional healthy changes a shot. Wow, two, too, and to all in one sentence, and if we're lucky I actually used the right forms in the right context. Anyway, back to the point. Dad's lost around 75 pounds I believe at this time, and we recently had to get him some new, smaller, shirts because his old ones were looking really big on him. It may sound crazy that it took 75 pounds to finally get him a smaller size, but you have to take into consideration that my father does no clothes shopping for himself… like ever, and rarely sees the need for us replace an old shirt, even when holes have started to appear like polka dots on it. At any rate, to be completely honest, a small part of me was starting to get jealous. It's not that I didn't recognize that he was putting in the effort and I wasn't, and I am incredibly proud of him for it,  I just always took a little comfort in the fact that at least if I had to be so big, I wasn't alone. For years I have been the one in the middle. Heavier then my mom, but lighter than Dad. Not anymore though, now I'm the one at the bottom of the pyramid. 

With this typical, unfair wave of emotions starting to hit me, I decided I needed to do something about it, I figure I was going to go one of two directions if I let nature take it's course. Either feel resentful of Dad's progress, secretly hoping he failed so that the balance of our family could once again be restored (ain't I a peach), or get complacent and just accept my new role and give up all together on trying to improve. Since neither of those painted a very pretty picture, I began thinking actively about how to take some new small steps in the right direction. I still had no desire to get on the diet train, just to get detailed again, but I needed a bigger push than just "Lets set a weekly salad night" kind of goal.

Now I'll be honest, I did not have these thoughts, or reach any decisions in one day. This was weeks of feelings, thinking about said feelings, and finally a fluke that got me to where I am now, which I still haven't really told you, don’t worry, I’m getting there. 

 

 

It started with stumbling across dad's Vivofit activity watch. Mom and I had both talked about wanting to track our steps before, and as luck may have it, my dad is a compulsive gizmo collector, and was on his third step tracking device. In fairness, if I could afford it, I'd love to try 3 or 4 out myself, they all have such different features and design, and I'm just as much of a gizmo nut as him.

 

 

 

His first, a fitbit that clipped onto your pocket or something, still sits in a drawer because the charger is missing. We're also not sure if it even still works as it took a spin through the washer one day; not sure if it's waterproof, maybe we could check if we could find the dang charger! Time will tell if it ever becomes anything more then another junk drawer resident. 

 

 

 

His second, the previously mentioned Vivofit, had been sitting on his nightstand for months after being replace by a Vivosmart or something like that. The Vivosmart is cool, and has kind of a touch screen of sorts, and it gives him fireworks when he reaches his steps goal, and I am incredibly jealous of it... just not enough so to pay for my own as of yet. Anyway, I finally decided to dust off the old vivofit one day, and see if it was still working. I mean, yes, one of the big selling points of the base Vivofit line by Garmin is that the batteries only need replaced once a year, but this thing had been sitting there on his nightstand for at least a year, and worn for a few months before that, my shock was real when I discovered it was still ticking along just fine.

So of course, being the tech junkie I am, I went straight to downloading the Garmin connect app on my phone, syncing it up, getting my info all in there, along with the last weight I knew I was before our scale decided to flip out and stop working. On top of that, I found that you could link your Garmin account to MyFitnessPal, which I had used with some success in the past and really like for the "diet" side of things. That was just the icing on the cake... figuratively of course. All of the sudden, this was actually getting fun, for the first time since I started thinking about doing something, I was motivated to stop thinking about it and do! ...it... the something I mean

 

See you tomorrow for part 3!

Dusting off my keyboard, and walking shoes Part 1

So I can't say for sure what suddenly struck me today that lead me to go look up my old blog. I haven't thought about it in ages, and couldn't even remember the last time I posted anything to it (thankfully blogger informed me it's been about 5 years, so I can wonder no more). I have had many times over the past years that I have wished I had someone to talk to about this or that, or even considered just writing my feelings down for myself only, but never did, or if I started, I got distracted and never finished. But for some reason I thought of this today, a day where I'm not sad, or stressed really, a day that's just about like any other day in my somewhat non conventional life, but a day where I felt inspired to talk about something that had been on my mind the past week or so. If no one ever sees this, that'll be just fine, but I thought hey, why not clear the cobwebs off the old blog. So here goes.

*

Just after saying that, my dad called me to see if I wanted to watch a show with him while he ate... whatever meal comes at 2pm... so we can see how the whole distraction thing has happened in the past. Anyway, here goes, take 2.

*

So as most who know me already knows, I have been overweight most of my life. Sure I was a skinny active kid as so many of us start, but by age 10 or so I was packing on the pounds. No big surprise, both of my parents have been overweight my whole life, so my eating and activity role models weren't the best. Do I blame them, absolutely not, but it does give a foundation to why I am the way I am. Like mom, I've done some dieting here and there, but never for very long, and unlike her, I've never really had much success only to end up putting it all back on plus some. I think the most I've ever lost was about 25 pounds, but to be honest, I'm not even sure about that. After my last attempt, which lasted about 3 months, I was ready to do what Mom did years ago and throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want to get healthier, but because I didn't want to keep getting fatter by trying and failing again and again. There is science to show that every time you lose weight and end up putting it back on, the body seems to add a few pounds, just to be safe. Wouldn't want to run out of fuel if I suddenly decided to start starving it of that nice 4000 calorie diet it's so fond of. 

So until recently the most I was trying to do in the way of being healthier was getting my water in daily, and trying to get more veggies worked into my meals. That last one has always been a sticking point for me as there are very few ways I actually enjoy vegetables, and most of them involve adding some form of sugar or fat. I don't love the water thing either, I'd much rather be throwing back real sugar soda's (the southerner in me wants to say coke's so bad, but at least I'm not saying pop) all day then even look at plain, ol, boring water. But I have conditioned myself to reach for a bottle of water before a sugary substitute about 80% of the time, which is something at least.

 

Check back tomorrow for Part 2

Stupid things to be sad about

So I was just sitting here, feeling kinda sad, not major sad mind you, but sad about a couple of things that seem really dumb to be sad about. So since one of my favorite ways to read blogs is in list form and this seemed like the perfect thing to list I thought I might just throw it out there.

1. A little sad about selling my old new computer so fast. I waited a year plus to get that computer and while I am happier with my new one I am kinda sad that the one I waited so long for literally sold a day after I found and bought this new one. I actually took pictures of it as I cleared the last few things I had loaded onto it in the two months I had it. It felt stupid at the time but I really feel dumb to still be missing it now that I turned it over today. I think it must have a lot to do with the fact that I had been convincing myself to love it, even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, after I got it and somewhere along the way I really started to.

2. I was frankly a little sad to read that Rachel Burgman (prob didn't spell that right and that isn't even her name anymore now that she is married but I doubt she will be reading this so this will just be between us) had finally moved out to KS. It is so stupid, we never got together and only spoke for a short time when she found me on FB several years ago and we both realized we were attending IvyTech. Then when I found out she was getting married to a southsider that just happened to live in Greenwood I was jazzed thinking we might actually get together sometime and I would finally have someone in this town I knew. But still we never spoke after she moved or had her beautiful little girl. Yet when I learned she had moved back in with her Dad on the north side when her husband joined the Army I was a little bummed and when I saw that they were stationed in KS I got just down right sad. Once again I feel like the only people I know in this state are my parents.

3. I am starting to get sad at the fact that it appears I am much to wordy to really do a list blog appropriately.

4. This one is a little stupid but maybe not so much really. I am sad that the day I have been longing for is almost here. We are hopefully going to sell the house in Quincy soon and be out from under all this mess for once and for all. I am a little sad about seeing the house go but not so much since Grandma and Grandpa moved out of the house I considered their home over ten years ago. Now that was a little more then just sad. No, really I am sad that there will be no more good reason to go to Quincy now. No more made rites, which I never got to introduce any of my friends to. No more shopko which is just a chain department store like a walmart or target. I just really liked it and enjoyed going when we were there. No more sprouts or free pie day at village inn. Most of all I am sad that the last two years in Quincy were filled with so much stress that the torment is what I think about when I think of it. I always enjoyed going to Quincy and had fond memories of it, now I just hope I can get those back and that eventually the bad ones will fade.

5. Ok, so for a really stupid one, I am sad that my little toy ATM is broken, I wanted one for a long time, finally got myself one about 2 years ago to use as savings bank. Then one day dad was hammering on the wall in his study which is connected to my closet and the vibration actually made it fall off the dresser against the other wall in my closet. Now it won't open the cheap plastic drawer unless I pop it with a nail file :(

Well, that's all I can think of right now, trust me there are probably a lot stupider things that make me sad, this is just what came to mind while I was sitting here.

A splater of late night thought

So I really don't have time for this. I have just spent the last hour catching up on reading blogs of friends that I haven't read in a while and commenting on some of them. Its almost 5 am and I haven't been to bed yet. We have our handymen coming in the morning at like 8 or 9 and I should be up for at least some of the time they are here yet here I sit, trying to sort though feelings of the last few months, day, even just the last few hours.

As you already know by now I'm sure Grandma passed away here in Greenwood just a few weeks ago. Things have been insane since then and I haven't even had time to think about being all that sad. It was such a long time coming that in some ways I felt like I had already done my grieving and it was finally time to move on. But sometimes life doesn't quite work that way. Mom needs some kind of help that I'm not sure how or if I can give her. It may not even be a doctor, It may need to come between her and God. I just hope she finds it because at this time she is so stressed about the smallest of thing and doesn't even see that they are small. To her a pebble is a mountain and there is no convening her otherwise.

But this really isn't about her right now. I mean it is and it isn't, part of how I feel about myself is based on how much or how little I feel I should be doing for her. I watched her spend the last 2 years putting everything of herself into Grandpa and then Grandma. She did it out of a sense of loyalty and responsibility She lost something of herself and I don't know if she is going to get it back. So for me I have to deiced what my own responsibility is to, my parents, the ones that raised me and gave me everything I needed to become what I am today or to myself, to make something of that person.

This last year, specifically the last 4 months have been a whirl wind. I feel like I am on a roller coaster sometimes and I want to get off. I almost didn't blog about this because sometimes dwelling on it long enough to write about it makes if feel even bigger then it is. I guess my biggest fear is that I have been waiting all this time for things to get back to normal and I may have to deal with the fact that this could be normal from now on. I may have to adjust to the way things are and start the next phase of my life whether it gets better or not. It feels like I have been running and waiting till I could stop to take the plunge but now I am going to have to just take a running jump instead. I don't know what that means for what is next. Realizing a fact doesn't change anything or make it any easier to accept. I still don't feel ready to make the next step towards looking for work but I think sometimes that I will never feel that way. Writing a resume is just one small thing that stands between where I am now and applying for that first place but I have almost been using it as the wall that keeps me from doing it. I am not even just talking about a real job, one that will earn me experience in the field I am aiming for but any job that requires me to simply show up at a regular time. I would even be content working at walmart at this point just to earn some money and feel like I was working towards something. But no, I start to think about the freedom lost once that happens. What if mom plans another trip to Quincy and needs me, what if they go on that next vacation and I can't go because I don't have the time off, what If I have the money to go to SA and see Jess before or after the Baby comes (sorry to use you as an example but it has crossed my mind) and I can't take the time I would like to have? These are all questions I ask myself repeatedly. Its like a conversation I saw on Gilmore Girls (oh yeah, in case you didn't already know I have become overtaken by this show and I quote it daily).

LORELAI: (explaining why she hasn't written a letter yet) Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. "Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. "I wish I was wearing my blue dress. "My blue dress is at the cleaners. "'The Germans wore gray. Who wore blue. ''Casablanca'. "'Casablanca' is such a good movie. "'Casablanca.' The white house. Bush. "Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should drive a hybrid car. "I should really take my bicycle to work. "Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey, underpants."

RORY: "Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants"?

LORELAI: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there.

That is exactly how I feel every time I start to think about finding a job. Monkey, monkey, underpants! LoL. I just freak out and the only way to calm down to to not think about it which of course get nothing accomplished. I have repeated this process over and over again. I was once so worried about turning 25 and having never work in a formal job and now that ship has sailed and I am just worried about not throwing up every time I think about working in a formal position.

If that were all I had to worry about it would be one thing, I'm not sure how but I would work through it. But the combination of watching out for Mom and her damaged psyche, taking care of things for Dad when mom is unavailable, and just in general trying to stay on top of the craziness I put myself through by being disorganized and clutter prone. I need to get away from it all (maybe physically maybe just mentally) yet can't let myself in fear that things would only get worse. Especially when I see Mom blaming Dad for being less then understanding, which lets face it he can be, but in the last few months he has been more so then I think I have ever seen him be in his life. I don't like to take sides so I keep finding myself defending both of them to each other which ends up feeling deceptive. Like I am telling one your right they are wrong and then turning around and doing the same thing with the other. I am just tired. I don't want to have to watch everything I do and say anymore and I want to be able to have the confidence and security to start my own life. I don't know what it is going to take but something along the lines of a miracle seems fitting. Because of that I put this out there as not just a way to unload somethings but also a prayer. Amen

Suggestions Welcome!

Ok, so we have the first game of the season (well regular season) next week up here in Indy not to mention Alabama's first game I think this weekend. Football has become a very important fixture in the Loper household over the years and is really made up by three things for us. Fall (which will be here soon I hope), family time, and food. All things I love. So this year we have been talking about doing themed meals on game day(s). Now remember we are still talking about football food here, nothing that has to be watched and takes a lot of time and nothing that requires a knife and fork to eat, we are all sitting in recliners and sofas after all. That said we have come up with two menus so far but I am looking for more ideas within those menus as well as more themes in general.

OK, menu one...

Theme: Everything Fires!

We are looking at doing Chicken fries from burger king.
Funnel cake fries from Max and Erma's.
I am hoping to find skinny fish sticks and I am going to call them Fish Fries (ok that ones a bit of a stretch).
And of course french fires duh.
Another stretch would be the Carrot Fries (aka carrot sticks) but we got to get our veggies somewhere.
So that's it for that one, again, any suggestions would be great.

Next menu...

Theme: Sliders!

So this one is pretty straight forward. The menu will be made up mostly of stuff from white castle (like krystals for those that haven't heard of white castles).

They have burger sliders, chicken sliders, bbq pork sliders and while they might now all be as good as other places but they are all together and simple. Anyway this one could really use some development but I haven't come up with any other sliders yet, might make something cold like some chicken salad sliders or something but we will have to see.

So that's about it for now, with the season here I need to come up with more quickly. Football days are always fun, yes we end up with 4 times the food then we actually need but its fun and we have left overs for the first half of the following week with makes for quick easy lunches. So any suggestions would be great. I am trying to come up with a simple soup menu. I thought it would be fun to have a bunch of little bowls or cups with like a sample of each.

Anyway, thank in advance for help.
Can't wait for kick off!

Sigh, I'm Bored... Oh wait, I didn't mean it. Nooooo!

It seems like one of the biggest lessons I learned growing up was never, and I mean never to say I'm bored. The truth is bored don't mean I am tired of doing nothing and I would take anything right now but that is always how it is interpreted, at least that was true as a kid. I would say it and then be given a half a dozen things I could do anywhere from homework to housework. Nothing was more frustrating then to wish you had something fun to do, express that, and then be given chores instead. Because of this I too this day catch myself before saying those two little words, two words that can ruin an already bad day.

As I have gotten older I have found that the same can be true within our parent, child relationship with God. I have always heard that if you'd best not pray for patience unless you are ready for God to give you a situation in which you will need it. God teaches through experiences. The lessons we learn in life are not the kind you can learn by sitting in a class room listening to a teacher tell you how it works. Sure we have some of that in church but none of that talking means anything unless we take it out into the world with us and apply it too our lives. God uses his word and those he has called into the ministry to verbalize his lessons but He doesn't just stop there. He has complete control over what happens in our lives and if He feels there is a message or lesson that we just haven't really gotten He steps in and make sure we have got it. Man if only teachers had the time and resources to do that no child would ever be left behind.

So back to being bored. It may sound mainly like a kid thing, I mean we have more responsibilities now, more freedom to go out if we want, but lets face it, we all still have out moment of being bored. But now when I catch myself thinking, man I wish I had something to do, I stop myself and think about the fact that just because Mom isn't going to hear my thoughts and come hand me a list of stuff that needs washed or picked up doesn't mean there still isn't someone listening. Before I start (mentally) whining about having nothing to do I need to consider the fact that I am really being blessed right now and that soon enough I may be begging for this time to chill.

All that said, I have been sitting here thinking about what I should do, I know that no matter how much my mind wants me to think there is nothing to do right now, realistically I have a room that is a mess (not to mention a house) and sewing projects I have been putting off because they just aren't as interesting as I might like (mending pants and the like), or about 3 loads of laundry that I could be doing. Its interesting that instead of catching myself from saying I'm bored so that Mom wont give me a list of things to do, I myself and giving myself that list. A sign, of growing up I assume, what a bummer.

How about too much to say.

So I have been wanting to post again so as not to let myself get completely out of the habit. My problem this time is that I have so much going on that I haven't been able to focus it in on one thing to talk about.

I have always had a tendency to be a little long winded but today I actually go told by facebook while in a chat session that my message was too long. How dare they. That in mind my goal here is to hit on 10 things but keep it as short and sweet as possible.

So here we go.

1. Grandma is nuts. That may sound mean but trust me it isn't intended that way. We love her and are doing our best to do the best for her as this crappy disease takes its course. I described it as I did for two reasons. First I could spend ages going on and on about the specifics and this thing would be 3 pages long which is what I am trying to avoid, and two, one of the best ways we have found to coupe with this is humor.

2. I love magnets. Not to much explanation needed there, I think there cool and I just got a new magnetic dry erase board and a set of cute little magnets that look like push pins which is really neat.I literally spent an hour the other day playing with writing and erasing stuff and attaching the magnets to the board and to each other. Lame, maybe, fun, defiantly.

3. I sewed (that doesn't seem right) two bed skirt pockets together and it only took me 3 hours! Ok, so I hope you got that sarcasm there. To explain briefly, I had these two bed pocket things that were held in place by this 2 foot peace of fabric placed between the mattress and the box springs. They were always falling out so I got the idea to attach them to each other. Seemed simple, cut a piece of fabric to the size needed to make them go all the way across the bed and sew both sides together. Well, lets just say I had to cut the piece out twice and then I decided to get fancy and press and hem the edges under, why I don't know, and because of that almost had to cut a third piece.

4. I got a new hair cut. Nothing crazy, just my norm for the summer, just a little later then normal. I keep meaning to try to get a pic to post but I want to style it up cute and I haven't had the chance yet.

5. My room is about to drive me crazy. I have been trying to clean my room and get it organized ever since I had it painted and it is sad really but I think its getting worse. I am going crazy trying to figure out where all the pictures are going and so in the mean time they are just sitting all around the room. On top of that I now have a folding table acting as a sewing table plus the ironing board set up in there which isn't helping anything.

6. I bought a book on making window treatments the other day. I would like to start on something small and see where we get but at this rate I am afraid I will be married and no longer living here by the time I am able to make my curtians. I have confidence in my ability to use the sewing machine, its the stupid cutting in a straight line that keeps messing me up. Not to mention that old carpenters adage, measure twice cut once, well, for me it is more like measure 10 times and then still cut 2 or 3. Oh well, if practice makes perfect I should be friken awesome soon!

7. I have been looking for a new laptop for, oh, I'd say going on a year now (I wish I were joking) and I am about to go nuts. All I want is a 14" jobber with a cd/dvd drive, at least 3 GB of ram and no less then 5 hours of battery life for around 400 bucks, 500 if it had just slightly more then that on the ram and or battery life. I have found a 15.6 that has all that for 449 but I really wanted something that would be easier to tote around. Sadly most of those are going for between 700 to 1000. That is just not an option so I am starting to think is might be time to settle.

8. I am loving our new french door fridge and even though the freezer is taking some getting used to I would not go back for anything. I love just for once not having to worry about something getting shoved to the back on the bottom out of sight and turning into some weird experiment. I also love having an ice maker again. I missed it so much. Plus now the ice is made with filtered water and I can add it to my drink with out getting some weird flavor.

9. I am loving our newest gadgets. If you don't know this about me already and am a gadget person. Don't always like that about me but what can I say. I love em. Any how past experience has made me research a bit more before taking the plunge. I did cheat on that rule by going ahead and buy the new Hamilton beach half pint ice cream maker. You put these bowls in the freezer (each holds 12 oz and it comes with two), then you just mix up the ice cream and the paddle top churns it for about 10 to 15 mins and u get a pretty good bowl of soft serve consistency ice cream. I also got a HB Snowman ice shaver which while not quite the same is the closest to a sno biz I have had since we moved. Finally the Redi set go, a cool little cooker, not perfect but fun to play with now and again.

10. I wish I could say I have a big grand final for 10 but I don't. In fact this may be the shortest one yet. The thing I like best about blogging and all these different forms of online communication we have is that I can just tell my friends and or family the same little things that I would if I saw them every day. So here it is, I picked up a cute apron (I'm so sick of ruining clothes while cooking) the other day and I just had to share. It has a picture of a grill stitched onto it with the words "You go Grill" on it. Its a cheap little guy I picked up for 5 bucks at a dollar store up here but I love it. Broke it in for the first time the other night while I made my big dinner which I will post about another time.

Ok, so that was still pretty long, maybe the FB error message was right about me, then again, who cares! Love yall

Back in the saddle again, well, at least in the stable.

So I know its been a long time since a post so I thought I would use everyone elses post as insparation to get going again. I plan to start posting my sewing projects (such as they are) like Jordan, but for now I am ripping off Jessica's survey thingy even though I swore off them after months of wasting time with them on myspace. It aint much but it's a start.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Its my gray colts hoodie, can't wait till its cold enough to wear it again.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, if he's nice. Gave Dad a peck on the cheek when he left for work the other day.

4.Do you plan outfits? A, yeah. Every holiday has its theam.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Well, I have a dry throat and lips and I need to go to the bathroom, too much inforation?

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? The ATI sticker on my laptop.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? Its been a long time since I've said either but I thing I used to say A-I-M.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Well this is sad. I dream almost every night and some of them are really interesting but right now I can't remember any of them.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? no

10. What are you craving right now? Actually a glass of milk. I have wanted some all night and never got any.

11. Do you floss? When I have food stuck in my teeth yeah.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? well this is kind of hard since I just read jess's answer and of course it made me think of cold slaw but if it had not been for her answer I think I would have said egg roll, but that could just be another food that has cabbage in it. Who knows.

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? Been longer then I can think.

14. Are you emotional? Totally. It is really frustraing when you can't watch a commercial or have a simple conversation with someone with out choaking up.

15. Would you dance to the taco song? I would have to know what it is before I agreed.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? If I did I can't remember. Knowing me I would have just given up before I got there even if I tried.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Oh my word lick it. If I tried to bite it my sorry teeth would kill me.

18. Do you like your hair? Some day yes, many days no.

19. Do you like yourself? As a whole yes, I have traits I would like to change.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? No

21. Do you like cottage cheese? No

22. What are you listening to right now? Rudy explain to Cliff why she wants to be the sun and not the wind in her ballet dance.

23. How many countries have you visited? Canada, Hong Kong, Korea, England... I guess that makes 4.

24. Are your parents strict? Not really, just enough that I turned out good.

25. Would you go sky diving? No

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes, as long as I could keep myself from acting like a fool.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? No, and I take offense to the fact that this is even a question. Not everyone dislikes him and even if you do he was still our president and he deserves respect. The same way I would not throw potatos at our current president just because I disapprove of his practices.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? Yep, I have a cute little bird cage thingy that has sparkly birds in it that my aunt gave me.

29. Have you ever been in a castle? I think we were in London.

30. Do you rent movies often? From Netflix yeah.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? not in school anymore, thank the good Lord! (Dito)

32. Have you made a prank phone call? no

33. Do you own a gun? no

34. Can you count backwards from 74? I haven't tried lately but I think so.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight? Mom and Dad

36. Brown or white eggs? What ever, we normally get white but I have eatten both.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nope

38. Ever been on a train? yes, the last time was in Canada.

39. Ever been in love? Not with a man, I love people but I have yet to be In Love.

40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yep

41. Are you too forgiving? No, probably the other way at times.

42. Do you use chap stick? am using it right now.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? I don't know cause I live to far away from all of them.

44. Can you use chop sticks? Yes, picked that up in Hong Kong.

45. Ever have cream puffs? Not sure what are they.

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? No

47. What was the last question you asked? Not sure but I prob asked mom something about what our plans for tomorrow were.

48. What was the last CD you bought? I think it was a savage garden cd.

49. Boys or girls? Girls, I still don't get boys. lol

50. Did you ride the bus at school? Just in kindergarden

51. Is your hair curly? Nope

52. Last time you cried? Today, stupid movie.

53. Ever walked into a wall? yes

54. Do looks matter? They shouldn't no, its sad that even when you know that it is hard to not consider them.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? No

56. Have you ever slapped someone? probably my brother when we were younger (ok I had to comment to this one, I can atest to the fact that yes you did indeed slap the tar out of clark once, freaked that crap out of me) As for me I don't know about slap but I have popped dad on the back of the head a few times.

57. Favorite time of the year? Fall fall fall fall fall, oh I can't wait for fall.

58. Favorite color? Blue with a little green in it, like teal.

59. Are you sarcastic? Sigh, yes very.

60. Do you have any tattoos? no way no how, I am convinced that the bible says it is wrong even though there are many that say that it doesn't count because it is in the old testament.

61. The last person you held hands with? I'm not sure, I think I held moms hand the other day.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope, Yep, its on right now, though I do think I sleep better with it off.

63. Where was your default picture taken at? I took it in our appartment in Mom and dads room.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Hate no, Dislike probably.

65. Do you like your life right now? Its fine, a little in limbo at the moment.

66. How often do you talk on the phone? Almost every day.

67. What is your favorite animal? cat

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? I didn't pay for it but I picked up chinese for dinner tonight.

69. Do you have good vision? No, not natually.

70. Can you hula hoop? No

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Can't say but I think so.

72. Do you have a job? no

73. Can you handle the truth? Most of the time, I need the truth all of the time whether or not I can handle it.

74. What are you wearing? A navy knit top.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? When I was younger and we lock ourselves out of the house.

Writting in a good mood for a change.

So I had a pretty good day today and I so often wait to write something until I am upset that I thought this would be a nice change of pace.

It honestly didn't start out so good with me and Dad sniping at each other and then my frustrating redirecting at mom and getting her upset at me. But then again it was early and I was tired and cranky, it all wore off quickly I got nicer eventually.

After we took dad to work we went to possible one of my favorite stores to just shop in and spend money on stupid stuff. I spent 11 dollars today and bought a pair of earrings, a footprints in the sand pin, a Winnie the pooh magnet set (I said it was stupid stuff), and small thing of yarn and a set of double pointed knitting needles which (for those of you playing along) are for knitting on a round (aka a continued knit that creates a tube).

I then was successful in making a cup cozy after spending only a few minutes reading about these things online, oh yeah and a few hours of knitting, but still not bad and it turned out cool looking.

Of course the bright point of the day was picking up my cap and gown. It is so awesome doing this again. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it at first but now I am really excited. I tried everything on earlier and it looked so cool together. I have my cap, tassel, gown, this little scarf like thing that I think goes in the back, and my PTK shawl that looks really sharp with it. I just love getting all done up in it. I am supposed to get honer cords at the ceremony too which I am looking forward to adding to the outfit (am I a girl or what).

Anyway it was just a good day and I am looking forward to telling you about our great trip when I have more time.

Love ya'll

OK, and so that's why I have a rule

So things are way better tonight. I knew I shouldn't post something public until I had calmed down but on the other hand I think in some way it helped and reading your comments did too. That said things actually got much better between mom and I. I went in to deliver my half felt apology and got a surprise. She said she had done a lot of thinking about it and I was RIGHT! So nice to hear once and a while lol. She said that it was important and if I wanted to send them out I should. We talked about how it was for her growing up and how Grandma has always been about this sort of thing. Very much the type that always (and I mean always) feels like she needs to send a check for everything from a wedding of a 3rd cousin to a funeral to a, you guessed it, graduation announcement. On top of that she is also the kind of person that will hold a grudge against someone if they don't send a thank you card back which has made some waves within my family as the Loper side is very much opposite. For years grandma would bring up the fact that she sent Gran a check when Gran-Dad died and never heard anything back, I agree that showing appreciation is important but I don't think it has to be done for the form of a thank you card and I personally have a major problem with someone expecting it from a person that has just lost someone. After Grandpa's funeral Mom had to help get all the thank you cards out and Grandma obsessed over it the whole time. So stressful when you have so many other things going on. Anyway my point is that while mom doesn't take quite the extrema side that the Loper side of the family has she does recognize that grandma is often overboard on these things are seen that she has to change some of that within herself.

So we are planning to go looking for stuff in the next week or two. I wanted to make them myself seeing as how the ones through the school (well actually Herff Jones) are kinda pricey unless you need like 100 of them. Besides, I like the crating the look and putting them together myself. I just hope the printer cooperates seeing as we seem to have a printer curse on this house. My grandpa had the same one for like 10 years and in that time we have gone though 4 and are on our 5th. I even broke the 5th trying to clear a paper jam (failed to read the label that said do not pull out from the front) but have found a little MacGyverism that makes it work again.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I think things will get much better when I can actually start looking for work and not have to worry about it as much. We all agreed I would wait until this next trip to Colorado (hate to think it might be our last family vacation). I will probably talk to the adviser at the career center right before so I can get on the ball when we get back.

Talk to yall later, I have to go tend to my farm, restaurants and make sure my cat hasn't run off to the pound again. Later!

Part 5 - If your still reading this I'm impressed.

Well, if you made it this far I’m impressed. I wish I could have written my papers this quickly.

The wrap up here is a little loose because as I said when I started I didn’t wait till anything was resolved to start writing. I’m sure as is common with us the by the end of the day mom and I will be acting like nothing happened, after some lame apology on both sides. Once again I will go back to repressing the fears I am dealing with because there is no point in stirring up that bees nest again. Eventually as it does for everyone this too will work itself out. I know I will get out there and in Gods time I will find a job. I just pray for the self confidence I need to make it through the interview process without making at fool out of myself. I have something to offer and I will find a place that is looking for a cheap newbie that will give me the experience I need.


I do want to ask your opinions on one thing if nothing else. Am I wrong to want to send out announcements just as a means to say hey, I did this and I want to share that with my friends and family, and do they just send a message of asking for gifts.

Part 4 - The root of the problem and why I am having trouble knowing who to talk to.

I guess it all comes back to the common fear of, now I’ve graduated and its time to fly or fall, sink or swim, succeed or fail. I know that everyone feels this way and it’s nothing new but I also think that when we are going through it we all feel like we are the only ones to ever go though this. It is amazing to me that our minds can know something is not true but our emotions and insecurities can convinces us otherwise. So when it comes down to it these announcements are my way of making myself feel like I really achieved something and every time she would shoot them down it was like her saying that my degree was no big deal. And just to clarify I realize that I did achieve something, with or without the announcements and that she in no uncertain words meant for me to feel like that was what she was saying, it just comes back to what tricks our emotions can play on us. The root of the problem is that I still sit here thinking I need someone to talk to and I don’t know who. Mom is clearly out as I ended our argument with “And this is why I don’t talk about anything important” and her saying I talk all the time but clearly not really getting what I was saying. Dad is so not the one as he cannot handle crying. He has improved in the last 20 years but still there is know way he can give me constructive advice or support. Like I said before I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to Michelle, especially since she has had a job for the last 10 years and doesn’t have that recent experience of not knowing where her life was going. You guys know I love you and I am not sending out this cry for help or pretending you never talk to me about anything. I just don’t know how to get this kind of thing worked out in a 20 min phone call or even over the phone at all. As it is it is taking me 2 hours to write this because I have to keep calming down and blowing my nose and making myself stop crying because that makes it really hard to read what I am typing. It doesn’t help to talk to someone on the phone if all your going to do is cry at them. All the family and friends removed I considered other sources like career councilors at the school but I really don’t want to go talk to them just to end up end tears and embarrass myself. I can’t afford a emotional councilor and am not comfortable enough with our churches pastor to even consider that. Overall that problem may simply be that I am not sure what help I want anyway. All my life I have learned that if you don’t want help you sure as heck better not ask for it. If you tell someone you wish you could learn to play the piano and they are a teacher you best be ready to give up an hour every day to practice. If you tell a friend you want to get to know someone they know sometime you better be ready for them to drag you over and introduce you. If I am wanting help in finding a job and getting experience then I need to make sure I am ready to take the plunge. All of this is true because of the second thing in life I have learned, if someone tries to help you and you pull back and say no I’m not ready, one of two things will happen. 1. they will push you into it ready or not or 2. they will back off and not be so willing to help in the future. Either way this can ruin a relationship whether personal or professional.

Part 3 - A short back story

The whole thing started with me bringing up a few days ago that I would like to send out an announcement for my graduation. I mean sure, I know it would only be to about 10 people and I know that its just community college and I know that technically I finished in December but I got one from both of you guys and I just thought it would be nice. But then mom says that she doesn't think it is appropriate because then people feel obligated to send a check. I am so sick of the whole gift obligation thing, but then that is a whole other blog in and of itself. So I'm like is there not a way to do it without making look like that and all I get is this if you want to you can but I really think its a bad idea kind of statement. So of course like I do with everything I have spent the last few days obsessing about it, looking up stuff online and trying to decided for myself it I think it is ok. Well, stupid me brought it up again today. When will I learn to stop trying to change people mind, when they say something once they are still going to feel that way the next time you bring it up. Unfortunately this time I let the discussion bring up so repressed emotion that I had been eluding to slightly but not really expressing.

Part 2 - Indy Friends = Mom + 1

*So the word friends in this case means people living here locally that I can sit and talk to*

The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.

Emotional baggage part 1 of ... we'll see how many. Title Past Sick

*a little note here, this started as one longggggg blog but due to a suggestion of jordans, I am breaking it up into smaller sections making each only slightly longer the War and Peace.*

So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.

Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.

Ack, I have a hair in my throat and I can't STAND IT!

Ok, so that has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share.

So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.

This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.

Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.

I HATE MY INTERNAL CLOCK

So here I am once again, awake at 5am because I fell asleep at 10 and unlike a normal person that goes to bed at ten and sleeps through the night I have to wake up at 2 unable to fall asleep. For a long time I thought I might have insomnia but as time has past I now realize I have no problem sleeping, I just can't do it when everyone else does. It isn't like I haven't tried that whole set an alarm, get up and stay up until a reasonable bed time thing. I end up sluggish and tired all day only to get stirred up around 8 or 9, and then I'm still up half the night. When I do follow my own schedule I end up sitting up all night alone, and then sleeping during half the day and not getting anything done. That concerns me as I start looking for work, I would love to find a night job like system night monitor or something of the like but I'm not real keen on the idea of being downtown at night, especially if I have to find parking. I guess there is no guarantee I will be downtown and frankly if I have learned anything from the last year it is not to assume anything and not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. What ever job God blesses me with, He will help me manage.

So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.

Back in the saddle again, or something like that

So thanks to Jordan, I am giving this another shot. I don't know if it is the same for everyone but I always get a real charge from seeing that someone has posted and that got me to thinking that not only does this give me an outlet but maybe it gives someone else something to look forward to. It is also a nice way to keep in touch with the small day to day things which is really what I miss the most about being so far away from most of my friends. Call me weird but I like reading about what someone has had for lunch or what song really got them going today. I like knowing about both the good and the bad days and feeling like I can throw an encouraging word their way without having to call and interrupt them if they are at work or in bed asleep as often I am reading these things at 3 in the morning. Most of all I like that I have something to do at 3 in the morning lol.

Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.

In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.

Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.

It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.

That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.