A splater of late night thought

So I really don't have time for this. I have just spent the last hour catching up on reading blogs of friends that I haven't read in a while and commenting on some of them. Its almost 5 am and I haven't been to bed yet. We have our handymen coming in the morning at like 8 or 9 and I should be up for at least some of the time they are here yet here I sit, trying to sort though feelings of the last few months, day, even just the last few hours.

As you already know by now I'm sure Grandma passed away here in Greenwood just a few weeks ago. Things have been insane since then and I haven't even had time to think about being all that sad. It was such a long time coming that in some ways I felt like I had already done my grieving and it was finally time to move on. But sometimes life doesn't quite work that way. Mom needs some kind of help that I'm not sure how or if I can give her. It may not even be a doctor, It may need to come between her and God. I just hope she finds it because at this time she is so stressed about the smallest of thing and doesn't even see that they are small. To her a pebble is a mountain and there is no convening her otherwise.

But this really isn't about her right now. I mean it is and it isn't, part of how I feel about myself is based on how much or how little I feel I should be doing for her. I watched her spend the last 2 years putting everything of herself into Grandpa and then Grandma. She did it out of a sense of loyalty and responsibility She lost something of herself and I don't know if she is going to get it back. So for me I have to deiced what my own responsibility is to, my parents, the ones that raised me and gave me everything I needed to become what I am today or to myself, to make something of that person.

This last year, specifically the last 4 months have been a whirl wind. I feel like I am on a roller coaster sometimes and I want to get off. I almost didn't blog about this because sometimes dwelling on it long enough to write about it makes if feel even bigger then it is. I guess my biggest fear is that I have been waiting all this time for things to get back to normal and I may have to deal with the fact that this could be normal from now on. I may have to adjust to the way things are and start the next phase of my life whether it gets better or not. It feels like I have been running and waiting till I could stop to take the plunge but now I am going to have to just take a running jump instead. I don't know what that means for what is next. Realizing a fact doesn't change anything or make it any easier to accept. I still don't feel ready to make the next step towards looking for work but I think sometimes that I will never feel that way. Writing a resume is just one small thing that stands between where I am now and applying for that first place but I have almost been using it as the wall that keeps me from doing it. I am not even just talking about a real job, one that will earn me experience in the field I am aiming for but any job that requires me to simply show up at a regular time. I would even be content working at walmart at this point just to earn some money and feel like I was working towards something. But no, I start to think about the freedom lost once that happens. What if mom plans another trip to Quincy and needs me, what if they go on that next vacation and I can't go because I don't have the time off, what If I have the money to go to SA and see Jess before or after the Baby comes (sorry to use you as an example but it has crossed my mind) and I can't take the time I would like to have? These are all questions I ask myself repeatedly. Its like a conversation I saw on Gilmore Girls (oh yeah, in case you didn't already know I have become overtaken by this show and I quote it daily).

LORELAI: (explaining why she hasn't written a letter yet) Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. "Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. "I wish I was wearing my blue dress. "My blue dress is at the cleaners. "'The Germans wore gray. Who wore blue. ''Casablanca'. "'Casablanca' is such a good movie. "'Casablanca.' The white house. Bush. "Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should drive a hybrid car. "I should really take my bicycle to work. "Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey, underpants."

RORY: "Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants"?

LORELAI: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there.

That is exactly how I feel every time I start to think about finding a job. Monkey, monkey, underpants! LoL. I just freak out and the only way to calm down to to not think about it which of course get nothing accomplished. I have repeated this process over and over again. I was once so worried about turning 25 and having never work in a formal job and now that ship has sailed and I am just worried about not throwing up every time I think about working in a formal position.

If that were all I had to worry about it would be one thing, I'm not sure how but I would work through it. But the combination of watching out for Mom and her damaged psyche, taking care of things for Dad when mom is unavailable, and just in general trying to stay on top of the craziness I put myself through by being disorganized and clutter prone. I need to get away from it all (maybe physically maybe just mentally) yet can't let myself in fear that things would only get worse. Especially when I see Mom blaming Dad for being less then understanding, which lets face it he can be, but in the last few months he has been more so then I think I have ever seen him be in his life. I don't like to take sides so I keep finding myself defending both of them to each other which ends up feeling deceptive. Like I am telling one your right they are wrong and then turning around and doing the same thing with the other. I am just tired. I don't want to have to watch everything I do and say anymore and I want to be able to have the confidence and security to start my own life. I don't know what it is going to take but something along the lines of a miracle seems fitting. Because of that I put this out there as not just a way to unload somethings but also a prayer. Amen