So things are way better tonight. I knew I shouldn't post something public until I had calmed down but on the other hand I think in some way it helped and reading your comments did too. That said things actually got much better between mom and I. I went in to deliver my half felt apology and got a surprise. She said she had done a lot of thinking about it and I was RIGHT! So nice to hear once and a while lol. She said that it was important and if I wanted to send them out I should. We talked about how it was for her growing up and how Grandma has always been about this sort of thing. Very much the type that always (and I mean always) feels like she needs to send a check for everything from a wedding of a 3rd cousin to a funeral to a, you guessed it, graduation announcement. On top of that she is also the kind of person that will hold a grudge against someone if they don't send a thank you card back which has made some waves within my family as the Loper side is very much opposite. For years grandma would bring up the fact that she sent Gran a check when Gran-Dad died and never heard anything back, I agree that showing appreciation is important but I don't think it has to be done for the form of a thank you card and I personally have a major problem with someone expecting it from a person that has just lost someone. After Grandpa's funeral Mom had to help get all the thank you cards out and Grandma obsessed over it the whole time. So stressful when you have so many other things going on. Anyway my point is that while mom doesn't take quite the extrema side that the Loper side of the family has she does recognize that grandma is often overboard on these things are seen that she has to change some of that within herself.
So we are planning to go looking for stuff in the next week or two. I wanted to make them myself seeing as how the ones through the school (well actually Herff Jones) are kinda pricey unless you need like 100 of them. Besides, I like the crating the look and putting them together myself. I just hope the printer cooperates seeing as we seem to have a printer curse on this house. My grandpa had the same one for like 10 years and in that time we have gone though 4 and are on our 5th. I even broke the 5th trying to clear a paper jam (failed to read the label that said do not pull out from the front) but have found a little MacGyverism that makes it work again.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I think things will get much better when I can actually start looking for work and not have to worry about it as much. We all agreed I would wait until this next trip to Colorado (hate to think it might be our last family vacation). I will probably talk to the adviser at the career center right before so I can get on the ball when we get back.
Talk to yall later, I have to go tend to my farm, restaurants and make sure my cat hasn't run off to the pound again. Later!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Part 5 - If your still reading this I'm impressed.
Well, if you made it this far I’m impressed. I wish I could have written my papers this quickly.
The wrap up here is a little loose because as I said when I started I didn’t wait till anything was resolved to start writing. I’m sure as is common with us the by the end of the day mom and I will be acting like nothing happened, after some lame apology on both sides. Once again I will go back to repressing the fears I am dealing with because there is no point in stirring up that bees nest again. Eventually as it does for everyone this too will work itself out. I know I will get out there and in Gods time I will find a job. I just pray for the self confidence I need to make it through the interview process without making at fool out of myself. I have something to offer and I will find a place that is looking for a cheap newbie that will give me the experience I need.
I do want to ask your opinions on one thing if nothing else. Am I wrong to want to send out announcements just as a means to say hey, I did this and I want to share that with my friends and family, and do they just send a message of asking for gifts.
The wrap up here is a little loose because as I said when I started I didn’t wait till anything was resolved to start writing. I’m sure as is common with us the by the end of the day mom and I will be acting like nothing happened, after some lame apology on both sides. Once again I will go back to repressing the fears I am dealing with because there is no point in stirring up that bees nest again. Eventually as it does for everyone this too will work itself out. I know I will get out there and in Gods time I will find a job. I just pray for the self confidence I need to make it through the interview process without making at fool out of myself. I have something to offer and I will find a place that is looking for a cheap newbie that will give me the experience I need.
I do want to ask your opinions on one thing if nothing else. Am I wrong to want to send out announcements just as a means to say hey, I did this and I want to share that with my friends and family, and do they just send a message of asking for gifts.
Part 4 - The root of the problem and why I am having trouble knowing who to talk to.
I guess it all comes back to the common fear of, now I’ve graduated and its time to fly or fall, sink or swim, succeed or fail. I know that everyone feels this way and it’s nothing new but I also think that when we are going through it we all feel like we are the only ones to ever go though this. It is amazing to me that our minds can know something is not true but our emotions and insecurities can convinces us otherwise. So when it comes down to it these announcements are my way of making myself feel like I really achieved something and every time she would shoot them down it was like her saying that my degree was no big deal. And just to clarify I realize that I did achieve something, with or without the announcements and that she in no uncertain words meant for me to feel like that was what she was saying, it just comes back to what tricks our emotions can play on us. The root of the problem is that I still sit here thinking I need someone to talk to and I don’t know who. Mom is clearly out as I ended our argument with “And this is why I don’t talk about anything important” and her saying I talk all the time but clearly not really getting what I was saying. Dad is so not the one as he cannot handle crying. He has improved in the last 20 years but still there is know way he can give me constructive advice or support. Like I said before I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to Michelle, especially since she has had a job for the last 10 years and doesn’t have that recent experience of not knowing where her life was going. You guys know I love you and I am not sending out this cry for help or pretending you never talk to me about anything. I just don’t know how to get this kind of thing worked out in a 20 min phone call or even over the phone at all. As it is it is taking me 2 hours to write this because I have to keep calming down and blowing my nose and making myself stop crying because that makes it really hard to read what I am typing. It doesn’t help to talk to someone on the phone if all your going to do is cry at them. All the family and friends removed I considered other sources like career councilors at the school but I really don’t want to go talk to them just to end up end tears and embarrass myself. I can’t afford a emotional councilor and am not comfortable enough with our churches pastor to even consider that. Overall that problem may simply be that I am not sure what help I want anyway. All my life I have learned that if you don’t want help you sure as heck better not ask for it. If you tell someone you wish you could learn to play the piano and they are a teacher you best be ready to give up an hour every day to practice. If you tell a friend you want to get to know someone they know sometime you better be ready for them to drag you over and introduce you. If I am wanting help in finding a job and getting experience then I need to make sure I am ready to take the plunge. All of this is true because of the second thing in life I have learned, if someone tries to help you and you pull back and say no I’m not ready, one of two things will happen. 1. they will push you into it ready or not or 2. they will back off and not be so willing to help in the future. Either way this can ruin a relationship whether personal or professional.
Part 3 - A short back story
The whole thing started with me bringing up a few days ago that I would like to send out an announcement for my graduation. I mean sure, I know it would only be to about 10 people and I know that its just community college and I know that technically I finished in December but I got one from both of you guys and I just thought it would be nice. But then mom says that she doesn't think it is appropriate because then people feel obligated to send a check. I am so sick of the whole gift obligation thing, but then that is a whole other blog in and of itself. So I'm like is there not a way to do it without making look like that and all I get is this if you want to you can but I really think its a bad idea kind of statement. So of course like I do with everything I have spent the last few days obsessing about it, looking up stuff online and trying to decided for myself it I think it is ok. Well, stupid me brought it up again today. When will I learn to stop trying to change people mind, when they say something once they are still going to feel that way the next time you bring it up. Unfortunately this time I let the discussion bring up so repressed emotion that I had been eluding to slightly but not really expressing.
Part 2 - Indy Friends = Mom + 1
*So the word friends in this case means people living here locally that I can sit and talk to*
The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.
The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.
Emotional baggage part 1 of ... we'll see how many. Title Past Sick
*a little note here, this started as one longggggg blog but due to a suggestion of jordans, I am breaking it up into smaller sections making each only slightly longer the War and Peace.*
So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.
Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.
So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.
Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Ack, I have a hair in my throat and I can't STAND IT!
Ok, so that has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share.
So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.
This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.
Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.
So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.
This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.
Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I HATE MY INTERNAL CLOCK
So here I am once again, awake at 5am because I fell asleep at 10 and unlike a normal person that goes to bed at ten and sleeps through the night I have to wake up at 2 unable to fall asleep. For a long time I thought I might have insomnia but as time has past I now realize I have no problem sleeping, I just can't do it when everyone else does. It isn't like I haven't tried that whole set an alarm, get up and stay up until a reasonable bed time thing. I end up sluggish and tired all day only to get stirred up around 8 or 9, and then I'm still up half the night. When I do follow my own schedule I end up sitting up all night alone, and then sleeping during half the day and not getting anything done. That concerns me as I start looking for work, I would love to find a night job like system night monitor or something of the like but I'm not real keen on the idea of being downtown at night, especially if I have to find parking. I guess there is no guarantee I will be downtown and frankly if I have learned anything from the last year it is not to assume anything and not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. What ever job God blesses me with, He will help me manage.
So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.
So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Back in the saddle again, or something like that
So thanks to Jordan, I am giving this another shot. I don't know if it is the same for everyone but I always get a real charge from seeing that someone has posted and that got me to thinking that not only does this give me an outlet but maybe it gives someone else something to look forward to. It is also a nice way to keep in touch with the small day to day things which is really what I miss the most about being so far away from most of my friends. Call me weird but I like reading about what someone has had for lunch or what song really got them going today. I like knowing about both the good and the bad days and feeling like I can throw an encouraging word their way without having to call and interrupt them if they are at work or in bed asleep as often I am reading these things at 3 in the morning. Most of all I like that I have something to do at 3 in the morning lol.
Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.
In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.
Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.
It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.
That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.
Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.
In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.
Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.
It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.
That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.
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