At this point I can't say if I will lose a much, if any, weight this way. I mean some people bust their butts, eat really well every day and still struggle to lose anything. I honestly don't even know what I weigh right now. As mentioned before, our scale isn't working, and unlike Dad, I don't have a job with a doctor's office in the building where I can go weight in any time I like. I have looked at and am considering buying a new scale, but in some ways, I don't want to know what it has to say.
I figure either 1, it's going to tell me I weigh more than I thought I did, thus frustrating me because not only will I have not lost anything in the past month that I know of, but it will feel like I gained, even if that isn't completely true. Option 2, it's going to tell me I'm at or below what I thought I was, at which point I will have no idea if that's just because I've not gained or lost, or because I was heavier and have since lost the weight, but will never know as I didn't have a true starting weight to begin with. Honestly, neither will help me sleep more at night, and I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing right now, whether I'm losing or not, so I think I may hold off on the whole weighing thing, at least for a little while. At the end of the day, I'm not really doing this for a number, I'm doing this to feel better, which I already am starting to, and be healthier. Knowing my actual weight isn't going to change any of the other factors of what I'm doing to meet those goals, and I have gotten kind of scale obsessed in the past, so why upset the apple cart.
So where does all this leave me. I'm not going to have weight updates and while it's kind of hard to quantify "how I feel" physically in an ongoing manner, my steps will hopefully continue to climb, showing how I'm gaining endurance. But mostly I'm interested right now in the emotional side of this. Sure the changes I'm making are primarily physical, but if I've learned anything over the years, it's that I will not get healthier physically if my emotional state isn't more in tact. There are lots are areas there that need to improve. I have my good days and bad, and the bad ones are still going to lead me to, not so much "turn to food" as just not care enough to weigh that serving of grapes, or even take the time to pluck and wash the grapes as opposed to grabbing a bag of chips instead. When I used to "diet" I allowed treats here and there, but it always felt like something I was struggling through that I would eventually lose motivation for and quit (which I did). For right now at least, I don't feel like I'm actually doing anything too substantial, and thus, how can I quit. The hardest part has been the walking, and I can't say I'm not going to have a day where I just don't feel like doing it anymore (today was getting there), but for now I'm excited to see all those orange bars on the app, I'm proud of the sweat after a good 2 or 3k step walk. I just spent a couple of nights in a hotel, walking up and down the halls and around the room just so I didn't break my streak. I am still driven by that red bar, and while it annoys me at times, it still motivates me to get moving once every couple of hours. I am happy with how things are right now, and glad I'm doing it, rather then dreading it and looking forward to the day I can quit. I know in my head that the only way I'm ever going to get more fit is if I am willing to do this forever, and at least for now, I don't feel like I'm struggling enough to want to give up. Maybe that will change, maybe I'll go buy a scale, see I'm up to 350 pounds and want to sit in a pool of ice cream or more likely in front of a massive juicy cheeseburger and just say to heck with it, but thinking like that is only setting myself up for failure. For now I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and who knows, maybe my shirts will start getting loose on me too.
Now you may have noticed that at the beginning of this lovely blue wall of text, in part 1, I said something had been weighing on my mind. And yes, it did have something to do with all this, but it was a separate topic of conversation entirely. However, I haven't really spoken with many people about some of this, and I felt the need to get it out there, and create a little backstory if you will, not to mention it's been 5 years since I wrote anything, so to just have me going straight into a rant followed by a little introspection felt a bit out of the blue to say the least. Also if you haven't already noticed, I'm a touch ADD and get distracted very easily. Anyway, having written so much, and as a result deciding to break this up, I decided to save my little tangent for now.
Thanks to anyone that's actually made it through this, even if it was just reading material to help you sleep, trust me, I'm used to putting people to sleep *looks at Dad*. I know I don't often make it through a long blog, so as I said, I think I'll be breaking this up, posting a section each day, and trying to make this blog a daily thing for a while at least. I look forward to getting my thoughts out, and opening up with friends, whether they be new or old. Check back soon for my next series (yep, I’m going ahead and guessing it’ll be a series too, I'm wordy, get used to it) “Questions about relating to each other”... ok, it's a working title, we’ll see if I come up with something better between now and then. Till then, love to you all, take care, and God bless
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