Well my world is turning upside down right now.
Mom had to rush to Quincy a couple of days ago because Grandpa fell after having gotten up in the middle of the night. He blacked out (which is believed to have caused the fall not the other way around) and was taken to the hospital. Upon mom's arrival she was told that he might be going home the next day. Well, that didn't happen. Then they got all the test back and was told that he cracked some ribs and had something wrong with his back that I can't remember right now. Ultimately they decided to move him to Physical Therapy for up to a week and until tonight that was the last I had heard.
So, while in the middle of fixing dinner mom calls and tells dad that he had some kind of spell and now it isn't looking good (I hate that term). I don't know exactly what is going on just that his blood oxygen level is way low and that he all but had a stroke. He has been unresponsive and is in the ICU. They have started calling the family in like this is it. The problem is we don't know if this is really it or not. We are planning to drive up there tomorrow but it would be a 6 hour trip. Anything could happen in that time.
Now for the really frustrating part. I have a big final on Tuesday. I don't know how to feel. I want to say nothing is more important then being there but I don't know what is happening and he could live another 2 years for all I know. If I miss this final I will have to retake this class and we are at the very end. I kind of want to wait but as Dad said, if I do and he passes will I be able to live with the guilt. I just don't know what to do, what to think, I just wasn't ready for this now. He was generally healthy. It isn't like he has been suffering for months and it is good that he won't be in pain. This is just a freak thing. Of course as you know I am a major cryer so that is all I have been doing tonight. I am afraid all I would do is sob the whole time I am there if I do go and from the sound of things Grandma has been doing her fair share of that. I love my grandpa and I have great memories of him but I don't know if I want this memory. I feel like I should want to be there but I really don't. I hate myself for feeling that way. I would want my family with me if I were in his place. I just don't know. I just don't...
So anyway that is where I'm at right now. I would greatly appreciate your prayers. I don't have anything specific just pray. I guess for strength more then anything.
I will keep you informed, I have to go write some teachers and see if I can get some leniency.
Love you guys.
Talk to you soon.
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2 comments:
I am so sorry, Shae! Keep me updated! I love you!
Thanks, I am really a wreck right now. I don't know what to do. I have so much work and I want to be able to just put it all aside and I can't. I mean I can, if I'm prepare to retake this whole semester. This is the first death in the family I have had to face. I mean my granddad died when I was like 10, maybe younger. The thing with him though is he was sick my whole like. He had Parkinson's and was already in pretty bad shape by the time I was born. I have some memories of him but he was really just a man I sort of knew, never had a strong bond.
Grandpa on the other hand was my grandpa in every way. He took me out on dates, taught me to putt putt and tried to teach me to bowl lol. True he has been showing his age more lately by sleeping more during the day but I was in no way prepared for this. Now I have to go see him like this and I don't know how I am going to take it. I can't stop crying and I don't want to in front of him. Worst of all that had to hook him up to a cath and do the whole tubes down his nose thing. That actually did help some, it turned out he had some air in his stomach which was putting pressure on his lungs causing the breathing problems and the tubes helped expel that air. Still they are saying something about blood clots in his leg breaking up and that sounds really bad to me. I hear blood clot on the move and all I can think is its just a matter of time before one reaches his heart. I don't know what I want to happen I just know I can't take it now. Two weeks from now and I could have focused on it but now all I do is feel guilty that I didn't work ahead on my projects, guilty that I am even thinking about school right now and guilty about really not wanting to go tomorrow. It is such a long trip (ok its about 6 hours but that is long to me) and I keep thinking what if we get out there and its too late or he is ok and we decide to head home and after we get back he goes and we have to turn around are go right back again. Not to mention if he does, what to do about grandma. She can't, and won't, live alone. The only problem is we are not prepared to bring her here or anything like that. I don't know how long she will even live without him. He did all her pills for her and without him I just don't think she will even take them.
Ok, I have to stop. I need to pack and try to get some work done tonight. I have an awful headache, not to mention my teeth hurt after my dentist appointment I had today.
Everything just sucks right now.
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