Emotional baggage part 1 of ... we'll see how many. Title Past Sick

*a little note here, this started as one longggggg blog but due to a suggestion of jordans, I am breaking it up into smaller sections making each only slightly longer the War and Peace.*

So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.

Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.

Ack, I have a hair in my throat and I can't STAND IT!

Ok, so that has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share.

So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.

This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.

Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.

I HATE MY INTERNAL CLOCK

So here I am once again, awake at 5am because I fell asleep at 10 and unlike a normal person that goes to bed at ten and sleeps through the night I have to wake up at 2 unable to fall asleep. For a long time I thought I might have insomnia but as time has past I now realize I have no problem sleeping, I just can't do it when everyone else does. It isn't like I haven't tried that whole set an alarm, get up and stay up until a reasonable bed time thing. I end up sluggish and tired all day only to get stirred up around 8 or 9, and then I'm still up half the night. When I do follow my own schedule I end up sitting up all night alone, and then sleeping during half the day and not getting anything done. That concerns me as I start looking for work, I would love to find a night job like system night monitor or something of the like but I'm not real keen on the idea of being downtown at night, especially if I have to find parking. I guess there is no guarantee I will be downtown and frankly if I have learned anything from the last year it is not to assume anything and not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. What ever job God blesses me with, He will help me manage.

So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.

Back in the saddle again, or something like that

So thanks to Jordan, I am giving this another shot. I don't know if it is the same for everyone but I always get a real charge from seeing that someone has posted and that got me to thinking that not only does this give me an outlet but maybe it gives someone else something to look forward to. It is also a nice way to keep in touch with the small day to day things which is really what I miss the most about being so far away from most of my friends. Call me weird but I like reading about what someone has had for lunch or what song really got them going today. I like knowing about both the good and the bad days and feeling like I can throw an encouraging word their way without having to call and interrupt them if they are at work or in bed asleep as often I am reading these things at 3 in the morning. Most of all I like that I have something to do at 3 in the morning lol.

Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.

In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.

Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.

It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.

That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.

Funny how I always seem to post when I have no clue what to talk about.

All through the week I find myself thinking about things I want to tell people or write about. Only problem is I am normally on the go at the time so I never get them down. Then when I'm sitting up at 3 in the morning (ok, almost 4) with nothing to do but write I can't remember any of it.

I guess the main thing this week has been planing this vacation. I can be honest here, while I am looking forward to it I am also kind of bummed. Originally Dad was supposed to go with mom and I to Bham for the wedding but first we were going to go to the beach early and then come back. Somewhere along the way those plans got scratched and we started a new plan. A trip to Niagara Falls with a little fall foliage tour through New England. Well, me being me, I over planned and before I knew it came up with a 2 week trip with only 10 days and almost twice the budget. So needless to say we are scaling back a bit. 5 days in Niagara and a little leaf looking coming and going. I am still really looking forward to it but deep down I really wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to see Jordan in your new home and spend time at the ocean taking in the memories it brings from growing up. Overall it would have been fun to take that trip with Dad as opposed to just Mom and I again. Still, I am looking forward to this. The falls look amazing and I have learned over the years that nothing is more incredible then having the senses overloaded by Gods creations. I am going to really enjoy this I am just stressed in the mean time. See we have a strange way of planing trips in this house. Dad spouts off things that sound really cool but are way above our current means, Mom gets excited and counts on this and I as the only one with the combined know how and time on my hands get stuck with making it happen. I spent a total of 10 hours sitting in front of the computer the other night planning our big fancy trip only to have Dad end up saying it was too much and Mom getting upset that he took back what he said we could do. After two days of arguing about what to do we have come to a happy compromise but still things are not totally planed. I have officially scratched Travel Agent off my "possible career choices" list. I am so sick of this. One hotel charges for parking but offers free breakfast and internet, another has free parking but no view of the falls (very pricey by the way). We finally agreed on 4 nights at a nice but reasonable hotel and 1 at a really nice place with an incredible view.

Perhaps this one.




Well, what ever happens we will have a great time if everyone can just relax and enjoy it. I need to get myself in the school frame of mind but right now my view is a little distract by the view above.

Hopefully next time I have some thing to write I will be near my computer. I need to get some sleep so I can try to get some work in my room done tomorrow. It is a lot better then it was but soon we will be painting at my curtains have to come down. When then do my room will be exposed to the whole neighborhood. Can't have them thinking I'm a great big slob even if I am. I actually vacuumed the part of the floor that is clear the other day and I just stood there staring at it, it just looked so good. Now if I can just figure out what to do with all the stuff I put on the other half of the room to clear that half I will be in good shape.

Later gators

The lost art... of blogging

Ok, so the lost art is actually letter writing, then again who is to say that there is only one lost art and do you have to be an artist of some sorts to declare some thing a lost art, I thing not.

So it has been a while since I have written anything, mostly because the major things going on in my life lately were either too hard to write about (i.e. my grandfather dying or even harder my grandmother dying mentally) or the people reading this already knew about it (such as the wedding and trip). So for that last week or so I have had an idea here and there about things I would just like to say or questions I would like to pose to people. Of course being the lazy butt that I am I never actually sat down (is it just me or is there something funny about that) and typed them out. So that is pretty much what this is, any and all of those questions/thoughts I have had over the last few days. Please weigh in where you have an opinion.

First off, it seems like lately everything that happens in my life can in one way or another be brought back to Gilmore girls. It could simple be that I am now watching it for the third time through (thanks to ABC Family and my DVR) the entire serise but still it seems like some major cowinkiedinks (sorry no clue if that is the right way to spell that fake word). For example One day Dad and I are talking about old tv shows that have been turned into movies and Bewitched gets brought up. I hated the movie and Dad thought it was ok. That night I come across an episode where Lori (my short name I will be using for Lorelai) went on and on about her disgust for that movie. Next I am thinking about how hard it has been on mom dealing with Grandma from out of town and how it would make like so much easier if she would have agreed to come here when I watch a last season episode where Anna (I think that's her name, anyway its Luke's daughters mom) starts talking about her mother and how she need to be nearby but felt like it would be cruel to move her away from her home of 40 some odd years. Forget that she was talking about moving Luke's daughter away that he had only been able to see for a year maybe. Ok, ok, I didn't intend to make this really about that show so I will step down off my soapbox for now. Finally it even taught me that it was ok and normal to feel a little weird when suddenly my childhood friends were all about to be married when I myself couldn't imagine being in that stage of my life yet (referencing Rory's reaction when Lane got married). It is all about change and I feel like while the show sometimes over did this area a little it really did show how things change in our lives as we get older.

This make for a nice segway into my next topic or well, thought really. Change. Most of us if we are really honest with ourselves don't really like change. That is not to say that there aren't good changes that we enjoy like finishing school, finding that new relationship, or taking that relationship to the next level and getting married. It is simply to say that when change comes, good or bad, so does some level of stress. While this is not everyone, I personally am a rut person. I like knowing day in day out where I am is where I am going to be. Long before I hit 21 (and I mean like since I was 10) I said I wanted to reach 21 and then just stop aging. Part of this was because for years I had been thought to be older then I really was and apart of me has always feared that I age fast and will now start losing any and all looks I actually have:) and part of that is I knew that with getting older I would face more and more change. Growing up we were all told that with added privileges came added responsibility. For example you get old enough to stay up later you get the responsibility to get yourself up in the morning. You gain the privilege to pick your own clothes when shopping you at times are responsible for paying for them yourself (one that was a major shocker to me the first time). You finally get your license and can drive and all of the sudden you are expected to run errands. Nearly all good comes with a little bad. So back to the point. Change, it comes in many forms but for me one of the biggest changes in my life came when we moved to Indy. Like everything it had its good (to me better weather) but it also left me without a lot. No local friends, no church I felt as comfortable walking into as I do my own home, no clue where I was going to go to school (then again that was true in b-ham too), but mostly just a eminence feeling of stress from the overall change. With exception of family everything had change from when I went to buy groceries to where I slept at night. For a creature of habit I spent several nights crying thinking that I would never get used to things and just be comfortable again. Even now I sit here with a small knot in my throat. The thing is that is more from the memories of how it was then. I now have a since of home here in Indy that I would miss so much if I were to move back to Alabama. It is more then the weather, its those things I once feared. I now know where I am going when I head out to pick up something for dinner, I have a school that feels like I was supposed to go to all along, I will admit I still don't know many people here. I think that is largely do to the fact that I was more outgoing in my younger days and wanted to make lots of friends back then, as I grew up some just stuck and I found that I was comfortable with the ones I had. Now I find it hard to really get that connection that comes from knowing someone as long as you can remember and still wonder at times if I will ever find that. My real point here isn't that though, it is that as some point change becomes a rut. What was once all new has now become familiar and comfortable. So much in fact that when we do go back to bama I feel like I am visiting some unknown land. Part of that is due to all the changes of course but a big part of that is while it will always be a part of me it isn't really home anymore. None of the buildings (including what was once our house) or streets evoke much feeling, just the people that we left behind. The whole time we were down there for Jojie's wedding people kept telling us how we needed to move back. That comment brought the weirdest feeling out, that same fear I felt when I learned we were moving to Indy. I found myself saying things like no, we just need to move you closer to us. I now see what a odd statement that is but it is honestly what I felt. I love my home up here. I finally have the room I always wanted. We live with water behind us which is so cool. We have our paths to store, work, school, restaurants, and church mapped out in our minds and rarely get lost here as we did a couple of times while back in Helena, and Chelsea. So my question, while it is more of a point for you to ponder then a question looking for an answer, is when does a change become a rut?

Ok, so I actually had three things on my mind when I started this but all my rambling has A. made this incredibly long and B. made me forget what the third item was. I am hopeful to do this more often so that I am just posting one of these thoughts at a time. Some are short and simple and other are, well, like these but hopefully all are a least somewhat entertaining.

Much love to ya both

Well, the saga continues

Well, the semester's over (thank goodness) and I am very happy with the results of all my test. Last weekend Dad brought me to Champaign and we met up with mom having a nice Mothers day eat out and evening in a hotel. It was a nice get away for her but it was much to little. It has been three weeks now and everyone is exhausted. Mom has been going home more but it still always running between home and the hospital.

So to update you on Grandpa's condition.
The last time I posted I think I said he might be moving to intermediate care. Well, he did. Then after a couple of days there they moved him to Rehab. Things were looking good and he was progressing. Then I got here are that night his fever spiked (102.7) and his breathing got rough. They say they think his Pneumonia came back and started him on antibiotics. Then they put him on something to I guess to help with the fluid in his lungs. After that his blood pressure dropped (a lot) along with his temp. (around 98.2 or so) and they decided they were going to have to move him back to intermediate care. The biggest concern to us that doesn't seem to be that important to the doctor or nurses is his speech. It had been find all this time and now its really slurred a mumbley. I don't know, maybe it is just a side effect of the infection one of then other 30 things that have been going on. It is just hard when you don't know anything and have to go by what they are telling you. I mean we found out that the one medication they put him on is known to lower blood pressure and they waited till his BP was so low and they had to put him back in IMC to finally decide to take him off his high blood pressure meds.

I don't know what is going to happen but right now he is stable again and they are planning to move him back to rehab in a couple of days.

I will post more when I know more.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers.
Love to all,
Shae