Monday, March 22, 2010
Part 3 - A short back story
The whole thing started with me bringing up a few days ago that I would like to send out an announcement for my graduation. I mean sure, I know it would only be to about 10 people and I know that its just community college and I know that technically I finished in December but I got one from both of you guys and I just thought it would be nice. But then mom says that she doesn't think it is appropriate because then people feel obligated to send a check. I am so sick of the whole gift obligation thing, but then that is a whole other blog in and of itself. So I'm like is there not a way to do it without making look like that and all I get is this if you want to you can but I really think its a bad idea kind of statement. So of course like I do with everything I have spent the last few days obsessing about it, looking up stuff online and trying to decided for myself it I think it is ok. Well, stupid me brought it up again today. When will I learn to stop trying to change people mind, when they say something once they are still going to feel that way the next time you bring it up. Unfortunately this time I let the discussion bring up so repressed emotion that I had been eluding to slightly but not really expressing.
Part 2 - Indy Friends = Mom + 1
*So the word friends in this case means people living here locally that I can sit and talk to*
The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.
The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.
Emotional baggage part 1 of ... we'll see how many. Title Past Sick
*a little note here, this started as one longggggg blog but due to a suggestion of jordans, I am breaking it up into smaller sections making each only slightly longer the War and Peace.*
So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.
Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.
So I generally believe that doing anything when highly emotional is a bad idea. I have a no arguing rule when we are in the car because lets face it, going 70 down the highway and getting tense or in my case crying is never a good thing. I typically feel like you need to stop whatever your doing and sit alone for a bit to calm down before doing anything, you are less likely to say something you will regret and if you do, no one is around to here it.
Unfortunately I am about to break my own rule with this one. I am already off to a crappy day and, for me at least, is has just started. I'm going through a major homesick phase if you can even call it that. I don't really consider myself home sick because for some unknown reason I really do consider this home now. I created my own version of this a while back which I call past sick. I am one of the biggest creatures of habit you will ever meet and for the most part deplore (I think that's the right word) change. More then missing where I am or who I am away from I miss the time I am in and often wish I could go back to when we were all in high school, able to drive and thus get together on our own but not at the point of having so many responsibilities. I don't like the process of trying to find new friends when my best memories are with those I've had for a long as I can remember. I am learning how to make acquaintances but still so unclear how to build a life long relationship with someone I see once every few weeks. Church would help if I weren't me. I go in I sit down and when its over I leave. I don't even do that often enough, in small part due to the fact that walking through the halls passing people that all know each other and are standing around chatting with one another and making plans to go our to lunch hurts in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't felt it for yourself.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Ack, I have a hair in my throat and I can't STAND IT!
Ok, so that has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share.
So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.
This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.
Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.
So its about 4 and I'm up, again. This week that has been the pattern, sleep till 2 or 3 pm then fall asleep around 1 or 2 but not be able to stay asleep. It isn't a big problem until we take dad into work but we are supposed to do that tomorrow. Actually we are all going out to breakfast and then take him to work, then its off to the outlet mall for mom and I. I'm looking forward to it, every once and a while we take the 30-40 min drive to Edinburgh, shop for a couple of hours, head over to the antique mall and spend some time there, and grab lunch somewhere while we are there. Just a nice fun mother daughter day and the last time we went was for my birthday, which was a long time ago now that I think about it.
This last week has been a pretty good one. It started with introducing dad to the new restaurant mom and I tried which is a new breakfast hit with us all (in fact that's where we are going tomorrow, or well today) and then later in the week we went downtown and had lunch with Dad at work which is always a nice change.
Still the best part of the week is when I got my Diploma in the mail. It really has me thinking about this whole Graduation thing. When I finished high school I got a class ring, did the whole party thing, got pictures taken, and sent out announcements. I don't want a party since none of my friends live here but at the same time I am starting to feel like this isn't being treated with the same attention and in many ways it is a bigger accomplishment. When the diploma came in I realized that I hadn't even ordered my cap and gown yet for the ceremony. I came real close to not even attending it. I mean the whole community college thing really makes less of a deal out of these things and yet at the same time I am hopeful that it make some good memories. I have never let the size of something determine the value of it when it comes to these things. I am glad I went to my proms even though I didn't have a date and spent a good part of the night sitting at the table. I loved being there with Jordan and will always remember the senior prom when I actually had 2 guys trying to convince me to have my picture taken with them. A little embarrassing at the time but a little fish tale twist on it that makes it sound like I had two guys fighting over me makes a great story lol. Anyway the point it I think people take the size of these events to seriously. I was really afraid that I was going end up not doing it when I realized Mom might be in Quincy (she has to go to help Grandma after having cataract surgery) and not be able to go. I was surprisingly upset when this came to mind, when I think that I almost decided not to do it at all I can't believe how relieved I was to find that she was going to be leaving on the 10th and would still be home on the 8th. It would be nice if I actually knew someone but I am not doing it for now, I am doing it for the memories I will have later. I may go on and get my Bachelors but this might also be as far as I go and I want to enjoy it and treat it like it is just as big a deal as high school was.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I HATE MY INTERNAL CLOCK
So here I am once again, awake at 5am because I fell asleep at 10 and unlike a normal person that goes to bed at ten and sleeps through the night I have to wake up at 2 unable to fall asleep. For a long time I thought I might have insomnia but as time has past I now realize I have no problem sleeping, I just can't do it when everyone else does. It isn't like I haven't tried that whole set an alarm, get up and stay up until a reasonable bed time thing. I end up sluggish and tired all day only to get stirred up around 8 or 9, and then I'm still up half the night. When I do follow my own schedule I end up sitting up all night alone, and then sleeping during half the day and not getting anything done. That concerns me as I start looking for work, I would love to find a night job like system night monitor or something of the like but I'm not real keen on the idea of being downtown at night, especially if I have to find parking. I guess there is no guarantee I will be downtown and frankly if I have learned anything from the last year it is not to assume anything and not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. What ever job God blesses me with, He will help me manage.
So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.
So I'm not sure what tomorrow going to bring but I do know that in about an hour people are going to be waking up and I would rather not still be awake.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Back in the saddle again, or something like that
So thanks to Jordan, I am giving this another shot. I don't know if it is the same for everyone but I always get a real charge from seeing that someone has posted and that got me to thinking that not only does this give me an outlet but maybe it gives someone else something to look forward to. It is also a nice way to keep in touch with the small day to day things which is really what I miss the most about being so far away from most of my friends. Call me weird but I like reading about what someone has had for lunch or what song really got them going today. I like knowing about both the good and the bad days and feeling like I can throw an encouraging word their way without having to call and interrupt them if they are at work or in bed asleep as often I am reading these things at 3 in the morning. Most of all I like that I have something to do at 3 in the morning lol.
Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.
In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.
Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.
It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.
That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.
Today was my second day in a row where I feel like I have done nothing. True it doesn't help when you sleep till 2 as I did today but normally I kick it up around mid afternoon. The only real thing I accomplished all day was making and key lime time and then spending the next hour cleaning up said key lime pie, off the floor, off the cabinets, and out of the nooks and crannies of the oven door. Didn't even get to try a bite before I dropped it.
In a way I like these lazy days. I know pretty soon I'll be desperate for them. Its funny how hard it is to enjoy something when you feel like you aren't supposed to have it. Once I find a job I will wish for this but as long as I feel guilty for not working they just feel like guilt magnifiers.
Its not like anyone is trying to make me feel guilty for not working yet, I mean sure every once and a while dad throws out one of those "can you do this for me since you don't have anything to do" kind of statements but for the most part we are all in agreement with how things are going to go in the coming months. Right now there are no plans to look real hard until after we get back from our trip to Colorado in April.
It is actually going to be a 2 week driving trip this time in which we plan to hit 5 of Guy's diners, drive ins, and dives, visit with the Loper clan in Boulder, and then head up to Mt. Rushmore and back home. It will be cool to see a national landmark like that as it has been a long time since our trip to DC and we have never done much out west aside from Colorado stuff. I am hopeful that we have time to work in another trip to Red Rocks as that is one of my favorite sites out there. I really love the mountains. Growing up so close to the beach, that was where many of our trips took us. Not that I don't like the beach but there is something about the big openness to the mountains that I can't get enough of. It isn't crowded, well, except for pikes peak, and even when it is in the hotter summer months you can go up until it is cool and just enjoy the breeze. Its also just an incredible way to see God's handy work. I am getting so excited just talking (or typing) about it. Hopefully it will be a trip that will evoke much more blogging from me.
That's it for now, I think my fingers must be tired as I keep making typos and having to hit backspace so much it is starting to look worn.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Funny how I always seem to post when I have no clue what to talk about.
All through the week I find myself thinking about things I want to tell people or write about. Only problem is I am normally on the go at the time so I never get them down. Then when I'm sitting up at 3 in the morning (ok, almost 4) with nothing to do but write I can't remember any of it.
I guess the main thing this week has been planing this vacation. I can be honest here, while I am looking forward to it I am also kind of bummed. Originally Dad was supposed to go with mom and I to Bham for the wedding but first we were going to go to the beach early and then come back. Somewhere along the way those plans got scratched and we started a new plan. A trip to Niagara Falls with a little fall foliage tour through New England. Well, me being me, I over planned and before I knew it came up with a 2 week trip with only 10 days and almost twice the budget. So needless to say we are scaling back a bit. 5 days in Niagara and a little leaf looking coming and going. I am still really looking forward to it but deep down I really wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to see Jordan in your new home and spend time at the ocean taking in the memories it brings from growing up. Overall it would have been fun to take that trip with Dad as opposed to just Mom and I again. Still, I am looking forward to this. The falls look amazing and I have learned over the years that nothing is more incredible then having the senses overloaded by Gods creations. I am going to really enjoy this I am just stressed in the mean time. See we have a strange way of planing trips in this house. Dad spouts off things that sound really cool but are way above our current means, Mom gets excited and counts on this and I as the only one with the combined know how and time on my hands get stuck with making it happen. I spent a total of 10 hours sitting in front of the computer the other night planning our big fancy trip only to have Dad end up saying it was too much and Mom getting upset that he took back what he said we could do. After two days of arguing about what to do we have come to a happy compromise but still things are not totally planed. I have officially scratched Travel Agent off my "possible career choices" list. I am so sick of this. One hotel charges for parking but offers free breakfast and internet, another has free parking but no view of the falls (very pricey by the way). We finally agreed on 4 nights at a nice but reasonable hotel and 1 at a really nice place with an incredible view.
Perhaps this one.
Well, what ever happens we will have a great time if everyone can just relax and enjoy it. I need to get myself in the school frame of mind but right now my view is a little distract by the view above.
Hopefully next time I have some thing to write I will be near my computer. I need to get some sleep so I can try to get some work in my room done tomorrow. It is a lot better then it was but soon we will be painting at my curtains have to come down. When then do my room will be exposed to the whole neighborhood. Can't have them thinking I'm a great big slob even if I am. I actually vacuumed the part of the floor that is clear the other day and I just stood there staring at it, it just looked so good. Now if I can just figure out what to do with all the stuff I put on the other half of the room to clear that half I will be in good shape.
Later gators
I guess the main thing this week has been planing this vacation. I can be honest here, while I am looking forward to it I am also kind of bummed. Originally Dad was supposed to go with mom and I to Bham for the wedding but first we were going to go to the beach early and then come back. Somewhere along the way those plans got scratched and we started a new plan. A trip to Niagara Falls with a little fall foliage tour through New England. Well, me being me, I over planned and before I knew it came up with a 2 week trip with only 10 days and almost twice the budget. So needless to say we are scaling back a bit. 5 days in Niagara and a little leaf looking coming and going. I am still really looking forward to it but deep down I really wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to see Jordan in your new home and spend time at the ocean taking in the memories it brings from growing up. Overall it would have been fun to take that trip with Dad as opposed to just Mom and I again. Still, I am looking forward to this. The falls look amazing and I have learned over the years that nothing is more incredible then having the senses overloaded by Gods creations. I am going to really enjoy this I am just stressed in the mean time. See we have a strange way of planing trips in this house. Dad spouts off things that sound really cool but are way above our current means, Mom gets excited and counts on this and I as the only one with the combined know how and time on my hands get stuck with making it happen. I spent a total of 10 hours sitting in front of the computer the other night planning our big fancy trip only to have Dad end up saying it was too much and Mom getting upset that he took back what he said we could do. After two days of arguing about what to do we have come to a happy compromise but still things are not totally planed. I have officially scratched Travel Agent off my "possible career choices" list. I am so sick of this. One hotel charges for parking but offers free breakfast and internet, another has free parking but no view of the falls (very pricey by the way). We finally agreed on 4 nights at a nice but reasonable hotel and 1 at a really nice place with an incredible view.
Perhaps this one.
Well, what ever happens we will have a great time if everyone can just relax and enjoy it. I need to get myself in the school frame of mind but right now my view is a little distract by the view above.
Hopefully next time I have some thing to write I will be near my computer. I need to get some sleep so I can try to get some work in my room done tomorrow. It is a lot better then it was but soon we will be painting at my curtains have to come down. When then do my room will be exposed to the whole neighborhood. Can't have them thinking I'm a great big slob even if I am. I actually vacuumed the part of the floor that is clear the other day and I just stood there staring at it, it just looked so good. Now if I can just figure out what to do with all the stuff I put on the other half of the room to clear that half I will be in good shape.
Later gators
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