Part 2 - Indy Friends = Mom + 1

*So the word friends in this case means people living here locally that I can sit and talk to*

The only person I know since I moved out here has her own life already built, married, job, two kids, a dog, and two cats. We get together for the occasional lunch or shopping trip and talk about current events in out lives but there isn't that deep understanding of one another and I'm not sure there will ever be. We have a little in common, I try to force the scrapbook interest as it is something she really likes and I enjoy doing to some degree. I just feel like there is some personal things that we don't match up on exactly which makes deep meaningful conversation hard. I guess that is what all this rambling is leading up to. I am greatly missing the close personally talks about things that really matter, or maybe just really have an impact on how we feel. When we first moved here I felt like that was still possible over the phone or through email but there are just times that doesn't cut it and frankly when people become busy a 4 hour phone call just isn't an option anymore. For a while this was ok, mom and I are close and I could share most of my tears with her, I couldn't have made it though school with out her. She was there for me 24/7. That is until Grandpa got sick. Since that time her life has become 100 time more stressful, Grandma has her good days but overall still fights the underlying problem which is that she can't live in that house alone anymore. But this isn't about her right now, its about how the last year has effected mom. She is better when she is home but still always consumed by Grandma and her health care. She calls nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day if there is a problem. As a whole the three of us have come together better, what with dad being more understanding, and mom trying to not let it be the topic of conversation day and night. One area that feels hopelessly gone however is my ability to talk about my problems anymore. Every time I try to say something I get this "I know what your going to say" or "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you" kind of statement. But the one that gets me the most is "with everything else I have on my mind I can't deal with this right now." That gets to me the most because it is the one I have been hearing for the last year and I feel like right now is never going away. The worst part of this is that while I am still left with where ever emotion I had coming in, I now have to deal with the guilt that I am making her life harder then it already is. So what happens is I don't talk to her about stuff that is bothering me until is has eaten at me so much that I turn into this irrational basket case that erupts and induces the same responses I mentioned before which as I am already tired of hearing them leaves me even more upset at which point I lash out and storm off with us never really resolving anything. And that's where I am now.