Part 4 - The root of the problem and why I am having trouble knowing who to talk to.

I guess it all comes back to the common fear of, now I’ve graduated and its time to fly or fall, sink or swim, succeed or fail. I know that everyone feels this way and it’s nothing new but I also think that when we are going through it we all feel like we are the only ones to ever go though this. It is amazing to me that our minds can know something is not true but our emotions and insecurities can convinces us otherwise. So when it comes down to it these announcements are my way of making myself feel like I really achieved something and every time she would shoot them down it was like her saying that my degree was no big deal. And just to clarify I realize that I did achieve something, with or without the announcements and that she in no uncertain words meant for me to feel like that was what she was saying, it just comes back to what tricks our emotions can play on us. The root of the problem is that I still sit here thinking I need someone to talk to and I don’t know who. Mom is clearly out as I ended our argument with “And this is why I don’t talk about anything important” and her saying I talk all the time but clearly not really getting what I was saying. Dad is so not the one as he cannot handle crying. He has improved in the last 20 years but still there is know way he can give me constructive advice or support. Like I said before I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to Michelle, especially since she has had a job for the last 10 years and doesn’t have that recent experience of not knowing where her life was going. You guys know I love you and I am not sending out this cry for help or pretending you never talk to me about anything. I just don’t know how to get this kind of thing worked out in a 20 min phone call or even over the phone at all. As it is it is taking me 2 hours to write this because I have to keep calming down and blowing my nose and making myself stop crying because that makes it really hard to read what I am typing. It doesn’t help to talk to someone on the phone if all your going to do is cry at them. All the family and friends removed I considered other sources like career councilors at the school but I really don’t want to go talk to them just to end up end tears and embarrass myself. I can’t afford a emotional councilor and am not comfortable enough with our churches pastor to even consider that. Overall that problem may simply be that I am not sure what help I want anyway. All my life I have learned that if you don’t want help you sure as heck better not ask for it. If you tell someone you wish you could learn to play the piano and they are a teacher you best be ready to give up an hour every day to practice. If you tell a friend you want to get to know someone they know sometime you better be ready for them to drag you over and introduce you. If I am wanting help in finding a job and getting experience then I need to make sure I am ready to take the plunge. All of this is true because of the second thing in life I have learned, if someone tries to help you and you pull back and say no I’m not ready, one of two things will happen. 1. they will push you into it ready or not or 2. they will back off and not be so willing to help in the future. Either way this can ruin a relationship whether personal or professional.